I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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