I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
