Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
