I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
