Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
