it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
