If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
