I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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