my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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