You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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