Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
