Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
