Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
