no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
