I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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