we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need water and some morals
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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