Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
