Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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