So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
