Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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