You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
