This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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