Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
