The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
