Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize