what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
