just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
