My friends, they love my intelligence
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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