I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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