I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Randomize
