I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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