I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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