mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just tell him i said nine months
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
