he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...