my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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