it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
