They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
