Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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