clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You can't special order awesome
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is Oprah even human
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
