I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
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she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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