A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
