According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
