still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
