So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
