You can't special order awesome
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
