I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
