Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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