Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
