Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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