so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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