I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
