How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
