I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize