her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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