the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
