Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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